Month: July 2024

I often wonder if I’m genuinely OCD. I have an obsessive need to know it all! But it frequently comes at the expense of true human connections.

Listening is hard, we need to speak – probably because we’ve not been listened to very well. It can all feel like a fight.

I must have all the answers, immediately if not sooner.

STOP!

LOOK!

LISTEN!

The whole world is not just about you but your experience is down to how you respond.

I’ve been a child, a fool, a lover AND a fighter, a questioner and, sometimes, a doer.

We’re all human you know and we have our weaknesses and our desires. Sometimes it feels overpoweringly frustrating when people don’t just know what we’re thinking and feeling and why they don’t behave in the way we want.

Stop being so shallow and stop being so entitled at the same time. Humility is where it’s at my friend. Really humility to accept that you’ve fucked things up necessarily and open yourself up to the solutions to stuff that are actually quite simple.

Be calm.

Be honest.

Have willingness.

Slowly and steadily, work your way through each experience. There is no race nor hurry. There is plenty of time.

Relax! And you’ll get more done. The Important stuff.

I got called a bully today! No, really.

For a variety of reasons, there was someone I blocked on Twitter/X and he took to my YouTube channel to tell the world and his wife that “Martin is a bully.” He also e-mailed me (subject line: Not OK) to say I was “aggressive and bullying.”

E-mail deleted and comments on YouTube videos hidden.

It’s gonna happen but I have no space in my life for that.

Of course, when people hear the word ‘border’ they will immediately jump to politics and fair enough but remember this…..

“No” is also a border. I’ve felt really bad about saying “No.” Honestly. I now fiercely defend my borders, what I’ll accept and what I will say no too. I notice people use the word ‘aggressive’ a lot now, it consistently happens when they don’t get whatever they believe to be their right/entitlement or their own way.

To defend your space takes courage, at least it does for me. Managing the energy in your life also requires principle.

I frequently think these things…….

What do I want my life to look like and be?

Who do I want to be?

How do I want to deal with things?

Safeguarding the conditions of your life is vital 

AND

It is okay for you to decide.

You’ll never please all the people all the time so choose for your own fulfilment and peace. 

People will be who they are. You do the same.

I increasingly dislike mentioning politics but goodness me! Every social media influencer has taken to Twitter/X to say how disgusted they are by the Olympics opening ceremony.

Yes, it’s laughable and an obvious fuck you to normal, traditional values but do you see the performative contradiction of spreading it far and wide so it’s all that people can see in their feeds?

No.

Start sharing beauty. We know the problems culture is facing but repeatedly reminding people of them will do no go other than to rouse anger.

It’s up to you to decide what your world looks like and what you see to be important.

Choose wisely.

Confession, I’ve liked to think of myself as a lover but I’ve largely been deluding myself.

There is a visceral satisfaction to feeling angry. For the briefest of moments it scratches the itch of you thinking you’re right about everything.

I’ve observed a lot of human nature and I believe I have a reasonable idea but, truth be told, I’ve chosen anger far more than I’d like to admit.

Love is acceptance. What’s happened has happened, how do you deal with it?

We get angry when we feel out of control.

We get more loving when we relinquish the idea of responsibility over things that have nothing to do with us or that we can’t change.

Question to ponder over the weekend – what are you in charge of? Do more of that!

I had a lovely chap leaving a very thoughtful comment on my twitter post today. He had clearly read the post and summed up what I had said very succinctly.

Even without the comment, you have no idea how beneficial sharing honest info with people can be. People are refreshed by honesty, they, like you, want to make sense of the world and learn how to live life better.

Deep down, I believe that’s what everyone is trying to do. With varying levels of success.

Share what you think.

Be brave.

You’ll become more confident and you’ll crystallise your belief system making you a strong communicator and able to solve any challenges that come your way.

Do you believe that life is harsh?

Do you believe that you’re hard done by?

Then I need to ask you a very important question.

What do you expect?

How do you truly view life?

Are you optimistic or pessimistic?

Are you hopeful or full of despair?

I don’t know peoples’ motives, I’ve accepted that now after decades of trying to figure them out but what I do see is the people who endlessly whine and complain about how terrible their lives are, they are not positive people and they are not faithful.

They appear to believe that life just happens to them, that they’re randomly drifting through space and there is no hope for them.

However, the people I see who have a great time of things, as entitled as it may sound, EXPECT good things to happen for them, they have FAITH that whatever hardships they face will ultimately be resolved. And when you take this advice, you will behave accordingly.

Put the message out, speak it out loud, write it, sing it, whichever way you prefer but have trust your faith will be recognised.

There’s a running theme in my content – of sorting things out. Putting everything in its place, enjoying being in the world as much as possible and dealing with difficulties as peacefully as possible.

Not easy but very rewarding and along the way, you’ll feel many different emotions.

Feeling upside down – confused

Disorientated

Purposeless

Aimless

Excited

Hopeful

Daunted

Angry – something I didn’t realise was such an issue for me!

I could go on.

Be patient.

Try new things.

Get the help you need.

My ex-boyfriend was very manipulative, psychologically and physically.

The long title of this post is something he said A LOT! It was his way of saying I’m not going to be around forever. He was always trying to extricate himself and, ultimately, he did – in very traumatic fashion. Ironically, something else he said a lot was “I’ll always be in your life.”

There are certain people who will want to leave their mark and from the things he repeatedly said, he tried to do that through other people. When we split, has father had been dead for almost 20 years, his mother almost 15 years. Couldn’t let them go. 

His precious boyfriend had died about a year and a half before we met. Couldn’t let go. 

His sister had died before his parents – couldn’t let go. His cousin before that. Couldn’t let go. Or should I say, wouldn’t.

Life is an endless series of choices. You’re choosing all the time. It’s all down to you. There were things I did while I was with my ex that I really should have said “No.” To, definitely. In my body and in my soul, I knew they were damaging for me but we can do crazy things to please other people. 

The key is learning to listen. My ex told me who he was by what he repeatedly said, what he did and what he didn’t do.

And in a funny way, I think he will always be in my life, if only mentally every now and then. I’ve learnt a great deal of valuable lessons from him. I’m grateful for him and I wish him well. He and I were not meant to be forever but I will tell you this,

Always be true to yourself.

Here goes! I’m an enormous control freak. My control-freakery manifests in ‘neatness’. Always tidying. I find it satisfying but also it wears me out and wastes my time.

There are also loads of ideas and plans and aspirations I’ve had in my head for such a long time it is very hard to let them go, even though I know they are not what I ultimately want for myself.

I believe we all have some degree of FOMO. We don’t want to burn bridges or cut ourselves off from rewards because we believe they will make us ‘happy’.

We don’t know what words actually mean – what is ‘happy?’ No, life doesn’t get better the more stuff we add in, it gets better when we strip away our unauthentic and long-held desires and destructive elements of our personalities.

If something is meant to happen, it will inevitably sort itself out WHEN we do good work, that fits our character and work ethic.

Freedom comes at a cost – responsibility and responsibility is a reward in itself because you 

a) get more decisive

b) achieve higher levels of peace

c) have the headspace to focus on your true dream!

I’m incredibly excited!

My sister arrives today to stay for a couple of days!

Not gonna lie, I have massive material aspirations, I like stuff.

But it’s nothing without people to fill it with music and laughter and wine and merrymaking.

Value the special people in your life. 

They won’t be around forever.

Let’s have a chat.

It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that people have built their lives on sinking sand.

There’s nothing solid or firm about our belief systems anymore.

Fluid = good

Yes/No = bad

I have to say “YUCK!”

I have a wonderful river view from my flat but it is clearly defined by its banks. It flows prosperously but it knows where it is headed.

For years, I was afraid of spiders. Apparently men are more arachnophobic than women, maybe because we were off hunting on our own for most of history. It only occurred to me to embrace the presence of spiders when, after I had ridden the flat of them, I was constantly irritated by flies swarming in my face!

Now I see happy Mr. Spider as my friend, not my foe – and I leave him alone to carry out his divine calling.

If you’re feeling purposeless, it’s by design. The powers that be (whoever you you believe them to be), want you dependent, flowery and weak. They don’t want you solid, you’re no use to them if you don’t obey.

People assume they’re right and I think there is a great degree of intellectual lethargy. It’s hard to do proper thinking but think you must to understand your role in the world and then, hop to it, get up, stand up and get the job done – just like Mr. Spider, silky thin strands and eight wonderful legs to ensnare those wretched flies.

Saying No to bullshit doesn’t mean you can’t have symbiosis. We can work together, we just need to get over ourselves – our fear and our indecision.

I realise I’ve been talking about going into every situation fresh with an I-don’t-know-mind but we can small a rat and it’s okay to call it out when we have the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the will to speak the truth.

An Englishman’s home is his castle and I for one will build it on mighty, deep foundations of truth, love and beauty.

Everyone believes they’re right.

“It’s got to be this way because this happened then that occurred and I was told by someone there, it can’t be any other way.”

However! People struggle to even agree on the course of events, people argue over facts. They believe in ‘their’ truths.

Objectivity is hard.

My starting point? I know nothing. 

Fresh!

Or maybe a big one!

I was supposed to be going on a date today but he was a no-show.

I texted him in the morning to get a reply back saying “I’m feeling under the weather.”

I get it. 

People like the idea of stepping out but when it comes to it, they’re too nervous, too apathetic, too frightened. Perhaps they don’t even know what they want.

I’m exploring a few different paradigms at the moment – one of them freshness (as a vehicle for non-judgement and being a good listener), also commitment, making a ‘date’ and keeping it and finding the positives (AKA adventure) in every situation.

This chap and I were not meant to meet clearly but the hidden advantage is not allowing external circumstances to bring you down but, in fact, build you up and transform your character.

Watch this space!

I was watching a podcast this morning with a chap talking about false flags and how Muslims aren’t to blame for terror attacks.

We also see that Donald Trump has been shot at, supposedly.

Getting to the bottom of any of these things is nigh on impossible. 

It’s not really the point though. All these ‘events’ are so far away from our lives, so removed from relevance to our ‘day-to-day’ that we watch with interest to strengthen our concentration, to improve our capacity for reflection.

That’s what prayer is. It’s learning to centre and ground yourself

AND

Establish what’s important – i.e. what we are capable of controlling as sovereign individuals.

Focus man, focus!

We all have our dream of happiness.

Those things we fantasise about, long for, yearn for.

And I’m not saying they’re not validly aspirational. 

HOWEVER!

The external things are a RESULT of developing your character and doing genuine good in the world

AND

Realising that no matter your outer circumstances, you will never outrun yourself.

If you believe your material desires will bring you peace, you’re wrong.

Life is inside out and you have to sort yourself out.

Terms are so misinterpreted. I’m fascinated with the origin (or etymology) of words.

To be called idealistic these days implies you’re naive or simplistic but if you actually look at the word without the vulgar connotation, it means to follow an ideal.

What is the ideal for society? Well, of course, it’s to live in peace and harmony and love and to our secular ears, that can sound so saccharin and flowery. 

Truth is though, most don’t want freedom, they want fight, just observe their behaviour.

There is also the point that most have massive FOMO. They do not want to commit to expressing ideals that will put them out of the pack.

In order to have peace, you must renounce the ego and this reveals a great truth – most don’t want to be happy, they want to be right and I include myself in this. 

Many have said “Martin, you’re so intelligent.” but I don’t place intelligence as the highest trait. No, I’m training myself to be more humble – particularly when it comes to dealing with people. 

You have your wants, needs and beliefs. Believe me, so do I! And often I believe I am right when others are wrong. It’s rude and it’s impatient and it’s narrow minded. 

It’s very possible that a lot of this comes from people being afraid to say “I don’t know.” 

I’ve pondered the “I don’t know”-mind paradigm, and it has a lot going for it. Think about it, every conversation can be fresh if you admit you might not know. You can go into the discussion calmly and you won’t be in a rush or panicked or simply trying to prove you’re right. It removes unnecessary friction and lay the foundation stones for people actually arriving at the truth.

Doesn’t sound too bad, now, does it!

I know now more than ever that not only do I not have all the answers, I hardly have any but, rather than fear it, I’m learning to appreciate it as a great thing.

War appears just global factions trying to prove their point but, always remember, war starts in everybody’s heads, including yours and including mine.

The ideal? Go in Fresh!

I have the best balcony in my apartment block. It’s over the tunnel that leads from the front to the back of the building, and allows access to peoples’ carports or garages.

However, today, two cars parked at the far end of the stretch, leaving one car’s owner, with both doors open and the boot, struggling to get what appeared to be a folding chair into the back seat.

I hate to say it, friends, but I honestly gazed on in confusion thinking to myself “what the fuck are you doing?” and when said driver reversed to leave, she couldn’t manage it in one go, she had to return to her original position and try again.

I’ve got quite a bit of German in me (Mum’s side) – I like efficiency.

Don’t you just find that people are so confused they don’t really know what they’re doing anymore?

I’m aiming to simplify, of course, I admit that I love the excitement and drama of life and often create it.

I think for me knowing that whatever scenario I’m facing can be sorted out for the best is my current version of simplicity.

If you’re willing to throw yourself into the mud, you’re going to get messy. Living life on the garden fence is uncomfortable in itself because you’re never doing anything besides trying to stay safe (not an effective strategy).

Also worth remembering, whatever you’re facing there is absolutely a positive to draw from it, maybe several or even many.

Hanging onto hardships makes life oh so very complicated and irritating. Resentment does nothing positive for your soul.

Let go – simpler.

Growing up, my sister and I did a lot of dancing together, we made videos and in later years, even entered national competitions.

We danced Ceroc (a modern jive dance that, I believe, originated in Australia called Le Roc). We went to many classes where you learn the moves and when it comes to the end of the lesson, you ‘freestyle’.

We auditioned for a BBC show and had to put together a video. A cousin of ours asked,

“Do you choreograph it together?”

My sister replied, “No, he makes it up, I just follow.”

As a consequence, we developed a style, because we trust each other, a signature way of dancing and it made me think that it’s a great aim to life to have your own signature.

Are you bold?

Quirky?

Unapologetic?

Bit of a nerd?

Outrageous, flamboyant?

It’s your life, you cannot change other people, discussion often is a waste of time. Carry yourself with confidence, speak the truth and do life your own unique way.

You decide your life.

Living with circumstances can be incredibly tough.

There’s a reason for everything you’ve done. You have to accept it.

When things are hanging over your head, ask yourself this…….

Without this worrying thought, am I okay now?

The answer’s usually yes. Basically always. Because if something really terrible is happening, you’re totally immersed in the moment and you’re not thinking at all!

It’s all on you to sort stuff out. 

And you know what, you can do it!

I’ve confessed to you that I’m very curious, almost obsessively I’d say!

The irony isn’t lost on me, however, that it’s mostly a waste of time when I could actually be getting stuff done.

I’m the ‘madman’ wandering around the countryside talking out loud to myself but I don’t mind. I realise this is a trait of many entrepreneurial and creative people.

“Of course I talk with myself, sometimes it’s the only way to get any sense of things.”

We are oceans and universes of fuckupery, you and I both know it. 

But I’m getting that I’ve fallen off track and need to pick myself off the ground again, dust myself off and keep up doing these four magical things

DOING

MAKING
GROWING

CREATING

I encourage you, my dear friend, to do the same!

We’ve just had an election in the UK, you might have heard about it.

Even with the enormously reduced turnout, millions of people put their faith that ‘this’ time it will be different. This party will be able to sort out the country.

As Terry Pratchett wisely demonstrated in the Discworld series, Gods only have power because the masses believe in them, the more belief, the more powerful these people are. The politicians need us more than we need them.

I think it’s becoming clear now that traditional power structures have always been duplicitous and haven’t ever really had the populace’s good interests at heart.

But the cycle continues because many do what they’re told, they comply to not get in trouble and to be ‘accepted’ by the mob. 

I didn’t vote, therefore people will tell you that you have no right to complain. I now see that argument analogous with prisoners voting for their next warden, it’s freedom that matters and politics is the opposite of freedom and none of these people is coming to save you.

There we go, I did the unacceptable – I talked about politics. 

Do with this what you will.

I’m a very curious soul. I feel like I’ve been around a long time and I want to know it all. Everything. People have called me various things for this reason – voyeur, nosy, inquisitive, obsessive. The whole gamut.

One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is how we have come to be who we are. 

What has influenced us?

Who has had an impact on us?

How much do we really choose?

Which experiences have been most significant?

I believe that even before we born, we’re being shaped. Shaped on the experiences of our parents, what anxieties and hardships have they been through? Where are they from??

My father’s side of the family are completely English, going back hundreds of years, my mother’s side not English at all – Irish, bit of French, bit of German. It’s all got to have an effect, surely?

For whatever reason, it fascinates me and, perhaps, it can be the key to letting go of trauma and freeing yourself from influences and thoughts that are not even your own.

I do laugh at myself.

If you’re living properly, there’s going to be blowback. I guarantee it and it doesn’t mean that you’ve actually done anything seriously wrong.

Everybody wants to be involved.

Everybody wants to be a victim.

Everybody has a story.

With a few exceptions – that’s us by the way!

Keep on partying baby!

I have to be honest, the last few weeks, I feel like I’ve been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I’ve taken some serious knocks, felt very disillusioned and, frankly, a little bit frightened about my direction in life.

I’m starting to learn, however, the vital importance of patience. It appears far more critical now than ever before. Now the thing with patience is it requires self-control, a mastery of your circumstances that can feel very fragile and uncertain.

People take regular jobs, earn their salaries, take their holidays because there’s a routine to it and someone else has done 99% of the thinking. Unfortunately, it means you relinquish a lot of freedom and, as I felt increasingly towards the end of my traditional working life,  you have to play by other peoples’ rules.

Stepping out on your own requires much wisdom that you will learn en route to your destination. I have to say I’ve slipped in my vision, things are rather blurry right now and I am really questioning just how authentic my aspirations are. It feels like a bit of a crisis but I also know I’m shedding a lot of long-held beliefs so I am not overly worried but my sleeping dreams are very vivid and, often, leave me feeling rather shaky when I wake up.

You can’t control the rate of unfurling and predicting how long it will take to unlock your dream state is a fool’s game. I fundamentally believe that the answers and courage come with time all you need to do is keep moving. Don’t let the darkness consume you, have faith and know that you’re closer to success at any time than you’re currently allowing yourself to think.

Stay Strong.

I’ve given myself some time the last few days.

The thing with the modern world is you’re always meant to be switched on. Notifications on your phone, giving permission for websites to track what you do elsewhere, people messaging all the time.

Pull up the drawbridge. People won’t like it, they will demand that you are always available, learn to say no to it.

I think a lot of people are simply nosy, they want to be involved, they (as we say here in England) want to stick their oar in.

Yesterday I didn’t blog, for a couple of days running I haven’t recorded any YouTubery.

Give yourself time. Allow your brain to decompress.