Month: August 2025

There’s responsibility and then there’s letting yourself be dumped upon!

Being understanding and compassionate does not mean being a doormat.

I remember in my last long-term job, I had a project dumped on me and one could say it was an opportunity to shine but the environment was all wrong and the project itself a no-goer. You can’t sell a vision if no one wants to join you – literally and figuratively.

They say if you want to employ someone, choose the man that’s busy but don’t don’t let yourself fall for everything.

Being discerning is the name of the game.

Say Yes.

Say No.

I want solid things.

I’ve occupied my time with many different distractions, flaky people, ambiguous projects, untoward intentions. I’ve questioned them and realised they’re not the way.

My ex was the most acute example of this. There was a structure to what we had (dysfunctional as it really was!), I had things to occupy my day with for him, the same time FaceTiming in the evening, sharing Wordle results and, occasionally, going out of London to sightsee.

But so many walls and so much confusion.

When I moved back to my hometown a couple of years ago, there was a chap I chatted with and, have to admit, I found him very attractive and, on many occasions, felt like he was flirting back with me. I don’t know what the truth is but there are too many crossed wires to ignore and that’s fizzled out.

It leaves me faced with what I need to do – my true path and it’s overwhelming and I’m impatient, ha ha! A frustrating combination but an opportunity.

I only want solid things, definitive plans, focused action.

And I am watching this space.

The more self-determined I become, the less I appreciate pomposity. And it’s getting to a point, where I see it so often it’s putting me off watching many people whose content I thought I relied on.

We can come up with distinctions like creator and consumer, leader/follower, etc. but let’s face it, most are just trying their best to deal with day-to-day life.

And it’s funny, since writing the above, our gardeners have paid their weekly visit and after drifting around not doing that much for the last few weeks, I availed myself to them and let them knew what really needs doing. They loved it! The smiles on their faces for doing a good job today and the promise of a satisfying ongoing purpose, they were so excited – full of purpose and bid me a very warm adieu!

Take charge! That’s the point.

Let ‘em know what to do.

Let ‘em know what they’re really capable of.

I’ve felt guilty and embarrassed to step up for so long.

There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Go for it!

Chaos is the name of the game when you start sorting yourself out. It ain’t neat. It ain’t easy. It’s rough, tough and you’ll constantly feel like you’ve had enough.

Now, my ex-relationship was not that long, four-ish years from beginning to end but his previous relationship had been over two decades and the amazing thing is that, even after almost 9 months of being apart, I still think about him a fair bit.

Holy Mother of Fuck! Will it end?!

It’s a good question and even my therapist welcomed me to the club in asking it.

I think we all feel it. Nothing makes much sense.

Keep going and know you can contact me if you need help!

You’re a child of the universe. And it might sound corny but everything in history has preceded you and is all in you, make no mistake.

Are you here to be constantly asking permission?

Are you here to lessen yourself and drift into corners?

Are you here to ignore your own needs and wants and desires?

No, we know this isn’t the way but slowly, over time, we make allowances and compromises and I believe people are finally awakening to this fact.

There has got to be more!

Even I thought this title sounded cringey but here’s the thing.

People have always been standing in their own gardens, staring enviously at other people’s. The only difference now is the scale.

It’s not just national or international, it’s global and it’s fed by a desperate need to be seen. In the Age of Connectivity, we have never felt more isolated or more alone.

Now, for my perspective, I realise just how much of a desperate rush I’ve been in and, very recently, how quick I am to deflect what’s painful – which, let’s face it, will only stunt growth and progress.

I literally laugh it off. It feels selfish to acknowledge the things I’ve been through solely from my point of view. So wicked, so self-absorbed but, by the way, how are you doing today?

See, a little joke but that’s the script that’s running. I even ask my therapist what’s going on with him.

With a far-distance look, he commented in my most recent session, the energy drains from my face and my eyes go darker. It’s a very heavy feeling that I feel arrogant and entitled to just focus on what I need and I what I’ve experienced emotionally and psychologically. My instinct is always to say “but I know I am not the only one.”

“Are you deflecting?” He also asked me at once point two days ago. I couldn’t deny it but it’s a massive habit, probably my most ingrained.

But I am the only one to sort out my shit from my perspective alone.

It’s exciting but a massive mountain to climb.

But I believe it’s time.

During my therapy sessions, many different concepts, ideas, possibilities come to me.

What I am learning steadily is that I don’t necessarily need to attach myself to every single thing that comes along. I have been guilty of that, of diving straight down deeply in whatever comes along and I don’t regret it. 

We learn through experience and we examine the effects/results to gauge how we live life from that point on. Plans, wishes, predictions are all largely pointless.

One such concept that came up a couple of therapy sessions was this idea of ‘radical stopping’. I simply said it out loud in reference to the conversation at the time.

It is not passive.

It is not idleness.

It is the theme of noticing.

I find myself doing this more often now that when I can feel myself racing, rushing, however you want to put it. I breathe and I stop to notice my surroundings.

Where am I?

Who am I?

What is important in this moment? 

It is a contemplative and immersive feeling in the moment and I cannot tell how how grounding it is. It can be as long or short a moment as you like. I love to live more and more by the principle I have derived for myself – Wherever You Are BE There.

Breathe it in.

Savour the moment.

Whatever thought or feeling that may be troubling you, notice, observe, acknowledge it but do not attach to it. It is not who you are, it is ghosts of your past wishing to haunt you.

We are alive, awake beings – should we allow ourselves to take the plunge and…..

Relax.

I do laugh a lot at what people say, call me judgemental.

Whether we admit it or not, loads of us are using home delivery services, regularly on Amazon but at the end of podcasts will always virtue signal “I’m using the evil Amazon”. 

The only thing that matters is what you do. If these platforms are so terrible, then please stop using them. But you won’t.

Whether we like it or not, these facilities do the job, they do 99% of our thinking for us, they integrate payment systems, they display things nicely. Yes, they quash competition, yes, they have political backing. Yes, it’s all true but it’s why I advocate personal responsibility, individual sovereignty.

Up the work ethic and get talking with people if Amazon is so evil.

I can’t help but see performative contradiction everywhere.

From second one, we’re recording. Every breath, every second, every experience, it’s all being jotted down and it never goes away.

We’re often told the goal is to get the thoughts to stop but good luck with that. It really isn’t the point.

Thoughts happen, we are powerless to stop them. 

Do you believe everything you’re presented with? No, that’s the point. 

I think we all have repeated thought patterns that plague us, to some extent.

Am I good enough?

Do I trust myself?

Will I look stupid doing this?

What if I get it wrong?

What if I fail?

I honestly don’t see these questions as ‘bad’ things. I believe they’re signposts. Something to work on. 

You cannot hold back the tide but you can learn to dance in it!

Intelligence is making connections others don’t.

Relationships are making connections for mutual benefit.

Community is making connections for far-reaching advantage.

Always keep investing in making connections.

I messaged a chap again who I had a call with a while ago, to check in, to see how he was, to see if there had been an updates in his life.

Show interest.

Be interested.

Show you care.

Be a solid gent.

I went on a particularly epic walk four or five days ago. Before leaving, I ate a banana for sustenance and packed another in my bag as a contingency plan.

You know where this is going, I daresay.

A couple of days ago, I was reaching into the compartment of my bag to retrieve a paper towel. I wondered what the pungent odour was and discovered said banana in a rather mutant state. Into the bin it went and this morning I washed the fabric and all is right with the world again.

First point, in the past, occurrences such as this annoyed me greatly, now they pass me by like a cloud in the sky (we will term this progress!). Second point, you can plan as much as you like but the journey will consume you and show you the right way. Whatever you’re faced with, you can prevail.

There is a lesson in everything. Often many!

So it’s not just a forgotten piece of fruit, it’s a demonstration, an education. Approach everything this way.

I’m becoming aware of my own rigidity.

I’ve backed myself into many a corner. One persistent way I’ve done this is to reject my own intuition that I should have had the confidence to listen to and act upon.

And it isn’t just people-pleasing, I’m learning. It’s been an unwillingness to, sometimes, not step out into the unknown and face head-on the things I’ve been frightened of.

We miss great opportunities when we don’t trust ourselves, as we deny the inherent greatness we already possess.

Remember, there are plenty of things you consider that you can look into but not necessarily have to say yes to every time. Indeed, learning to say no more means leaving your bandwidth open to the things that matter your aspirations and your individual character.

You’re not meant for everything, you’re meant for the right things that align with your mission and natural leanings.

With the majority talking about everything being taken away from us, remember to stay in charge of your own mind, your heart and your vision.

Freedom is an approach you can always adopt even if it’s laughing at the madness.

Unavoidable observation – when people talk about rules, they’re normally trying to impose them on you yet never on themselves.

I’ve talked plenty about people wanting their own way, we also have to acknowledge that everyone believes they’re right. You will witness this in how they protest when you say no.

As much as I can be, I enjoy being motivated by goodness, by peacefulness and wishing that for as many as possible. It’s all about scaling out joy for the masses. It’s very few who are genuinely malevolent.

That is the individualistic path.

The path to perfect purity is such a brutal one and, let’s be honest, so totally unachievable because we’re human.

Whatever the given topic, we understand the basics – masculinity is strength and resource provision, femininity is nurturing/motherhood, we know what a man is, same for a woman. We understand it but we want attention and we want to WIN.

Why be silent when you can try to be right, yes?

This is what we’re dealing with online. It’s relentless and it makes for some awfully prickly personalities. Just getting fucking real and understand that no one has all the answers.

My background shit is that everyone in my family was vying for supremacy, to role everyone in to thinking, feeling and behaving in whatever way that one of them wanted and, frankly, I ended up being a witness to all this chaos and it was assumed that I was perfectly all right through all of it. Nope!

There are literally tens of millions of men like me that I want to help lift themselves up. I just don’t discount myself anymore. I often wonder why it feels so difficult at times to get things done but this is where I am.

It’s puzzling, it’s frustrating yet it’s an ongoing voyage of discovery and strengthening. Literally and figuratively. I used to go to the gym four/five times per week but I was forever starving and aching. That may be for some men, not for me now. I use my equipment a couple of times a week on average and the fat is coming off. Not as fast but these days, when I eat, I get full and it feels satisfying.

And when other men see me naked they use words like ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’ and ‘fit’.

I’m gay, most men are straight – you know what, it doesn’t make the blindest bit of difference. We’re fucked up and we want to sort ourselves out.

Quite simple.

The ‘ideals’ of whatever you’re talking about apply to such a vanishingly small group and who are the arbiters? Clout-seekers, webcam business owners, boxers-cum-wannabe-presidents of countries? Panto. Stage-show.

We’re real people, warts and all. Deal with it. It’s your life.

And it’s the power ALREADY in our hands, no waiting, no questioning.

POWER! Potency. The possibilities are endless.

I had the most vivid dream last night, involving old colleagues, a relative missing his teeth. It was actually quite a healing dream, putting to rest some old relationships from aeons ago, realising how much progress I had made.

Most of what you believe matters really doesn’t. I am curious and inquisitive beyond belief but I see more and more how unnecessary it is to get lost in the weeds of trying to figure out other people’s behaviour – why they don’t believe what I believe, why don’t they ‘get it’.

Pointless waste of time. Pointless waste of potential too.

There was a thread in my dream that I was temporarily taking care of some diamonds for my sister (now the diamond theme is directly related to my ex-boyfriend as he was obsessed with gemstones of all kinds, unhealthily so). I was carrying what appeared to be a couple of small stones but when I arrived at their proper destination a whole heap of them appeared when things were, in the dream’s terms, laid to rest.

Abundant dream and eye-opening.

There’s more to you than you believe. 100%. More you’re capable of, more you deserve, more you can do. 

Believe in yourself and let go of the ghosts of your past.

Maybe I sound like a broken record but so many are so very angry!

“You’re a moron!”

“Kirstie Allsopp is a bubonic cunt.” – Yes, genuinely read this today.

“No one believes this, except you.”

Ah, okay. We disagree. Plain and simple but why waste a good opportunity to scream out loud at strangers, eh?!

I’ve heard said that we used to be able to disagree and get on but I don’t know if this is true. We rose-tint in times of chaos but there’s always been drama, I think it’s just not been so in-our-faces as it is now.

Pubs get smashed up.

People affray at football matches.

Parents, shockingly, beat their child at the bus stop (yes, witnessed and still haunted by it almost a quarter of a century hence).

People have egos.

People want to be right

Some desperately NEED to be right.

Most identities are incredibly fragile and fractious.

My aim? Rise above it, witness it and acknowledge many know no better. Also, realise it’s nothing personal, it’s attention seeking but meaningless.

Peace to you, my friend – with some laughs along the way.

There’s what we tell ourselves and there’s what we do. Quite simple really.

We’re always looking for a way to explain things away.

But there comes a time when you have to get radically honest and admit what’s going on upstairs.

I’ve found therapy immensely helpful, I know many of you shun it. Choices, we all make them.

There’s no use in covering up how you feel. Pushing it down will only make it explode later on, it’s inevitable and I’ve seen it so many times.

It’s okay to be honest.

It’s okay to not know what’s going on.

Openness and humility are not weakness. 

You’re just admitting you don’t have all the answers yet.