Month: September 2025

Above was the title I came up yesterday. It was going to be about a very different subject but here I sit, overwhelmed by shock and disbelief, at the savage sacrificing of Charlie Kirk.

A sweet, sweet young man with a wife and two children who will never know him. Forever. Gone.

I actually can’t believe it’s happening. It takes a lot to put me into total disbelief.

People point out the irony of Charlie being shot to death as he advocates for gun rights. 

People dance in glee on TikTok at his murder.

People subvert the event for politics and have zero empathy, ZERO, for a wife losing her husband and totally innocent children being deprived of their father.

So many millions undermine the sacred value of life in trying to score points for ‘their side’.

He was so sweet and good and I genuinely believe acting altruistically to help as many as possible live well and wholesomely.

Sweet man.

Value life.

I had another dream last night.

I had been somewhere or another and I boarded a bus, climbing to the top deck. 

Initially, I had sat somewhere on my own and was settling down to read my book (something I’ve been discussing recently that I’d love to set aside far more time for but, for some reason, won’t allow myself to do).

As the bus was setting off, a young girl with her mother sat next to me and started jumping around me, prodding me, refusing to leave me alone and I said to her the title of this post. The dream ended with me saying this.

I’ve got a long journey (it’s very prescient) to undo how damaged I feel and to finally take charge of the conditions of my life both in a personal/psychological sense and how I will allow and disavow how other people behave in our relationships. And I’d just like to read, immersed in interesting information, totally focused, totally present. It sounds like absolutely bliss but it always, for me, feels like there’s something pulling me from true joy – and peacefulness.

When we say “I just want….” whatever it is, what we’re actually saying is “I want to take this time for myself, to do what I alone want to do in my own way.” This seems to fly in the face of most people’s behaviour who, I am convinced, want to make things more difficult and shun simplicity.

I want the latter, I will have it and let the cards fall where they may. 

There’s a woman who has a flat in my complex, most of the time she lives in London but she visits every few months. Whenever she does, I am always astounded at just how much she faffs around with her car, putting it in the garage, taking it out again, leaving it parked outside the garage and returning to put it away again.

Whenever I see her I cannot help but think “what the fuck is she doing?” Even closing the garage door, she half closes it, checks God knows what, then finishes closing it. I’ve never seen such a load of faff!

I recently took charge of the garden situation too. Many said I had no right to clear things away from the lawns, but here’s the thing, at some point every single one of those people made some decision without consulting anyone and then proceeded to ignore the effects.

No, discipline, orderliness, taking responsibility – these are what matter and, I’ll tell you what, most people are resentful of people taking charge, doing the right thing.

Remember, most are dictated by wanting their own way not doing the right thing.

Don’t know about you but when I see people walking around, they look in a daze. Nothing seems to make sense to them.

They loiter, they gaze confusedly at roadsigns, they linger and stare but don’t go anywhere.

Are we hypnotised?

Have we lost our direction?

Have we become soft and stultified?

Occasionally, I’ve found myself connecting headphones to my phone and listening to some music when out walking but I haven’t done that for a while. It’s not present, one cannot hear the birds chirping, the wind rustling through the trees. It’s also not appreciative. 

Everything seems like whatever+plus. Nothing seems good enough in itself. My ex-boyfriend constantly talked people needing to accept when things are enough but relentlessly picked at people’s behaviour – including my own. The full of extent of this I am only coming to terms with now.

What matters is human nature and human connection. I have to say, right now, I am incredibly selective about who I spend my time with, almost to the point of total reclusiveness. It’s what I need at the moment to sharpen the sword, the point the pencil, to sharpen my senses and my purpose.

Maybe it’s the price we pay?

Underneath it all, what I’m always looking for is personal responsibility – a life without needless distractions, a purposeful mission that feeds me and helps others. That’s why I feel I am here.

I have many emotional blocks.

I sometimes wonder what the fuck I’m doing.

Sometimes what I’m doing feels futile and an endless slog.

I understand, however, that there is hope in it and lessons to be learned but it takes time.

It’s why politics seems a persistent war on our balance and health. Many still believe this one or that one is going to be the answer but dig not even that deep and you’ll find the people called to politics are too distant and too inconsistent to actually help.

And you’ll find the frequent argument will be that if you’re not joining Y party or Z cause, then you can’t complain.

Okie doke. I walk away from such people.

Life is quite simple. Make good relationships, real ones, make some money, keep as many of your assets away from government. It can be done. It is we who complicate it by placing faith in people who do not care about us, not really.

Be Your Own Man, Live Your Own Life.

Believe me, my friend, I often wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

There are so many topics and issues that I want to talk about but don’t because a) I get so stressed and angry that I know it’s harming my health and b) what will complaining about various things actually do?

Perfectly reasonable position.

But I don’t want, nor like, to be passive. I genuinely believe I could make a difference in many different spheres.

What do we do?

Over the last decade, had I have had a massive platform and even mildly expressed many of my right-wing beliefs, I’d have been doxxed and cancelled as well.

I was too busy being angry and claustrophobic in London. It is a relief to be back in the countryside but even here, I’m surrounded by ethnically-suicidal and depressive people who think it’s a sin to be White.

Said people who concurrently believe that plastering their roofs with solar panels rather than tiles and, prospectively, installing a hydroelectric power facility literally opposite where I live is going to make a difference to a climate crisis that doesn’t exist.

You see, it’s all under the surface. There are many things I could say that I don’t. I see personal/individual responsibility as a boon to make your own circumstances as positive and beneficial as possible but it doesn’t mean I don’t notice when things are, to put it lightly, not being done properly.

I’ve had several ‘small’ wins with getting the communal gardens at my building sorted out, of contacting a local office to remove barriers from a previous job of work that had been abandoned over a year ago, making things more beautiful, satisfying. 

But I constantly feel like I could do more and indeed am capable. It’s where to direct the energy and, I’ll be honest, still figuring it out.

You doubt your influence.

You doubt your capability.

You doubt what you can really do.

Don’t worry, I am not just addressing you.

I’ve always loved the image with this post. Focused, funny, fascinating – to think that something so tiny can be so mighty.

I also think of the wasps that buzz in and out of my flat when I leave the French Windows to the Balcony open. A wasp is 500-600 times smaller than the average human, they don’t mess about.

All these teeny beings let their presence be known, they make their presence felt.

You too can do the same!

When you look simply at the struggles you’ve been through, it’s either you or someone else telling you to act immorally or against your nature.

I’ve experienced so many people getting pissed off when I haven’t agreed with them or done things the way they’ve expected. There’s an awful lot of hubris, entitlement, going on.

Now, a lot of people hanker after the idea of telling people to go fuck themselves but the truth is, preserving my own peace is far more important than vilifying people and the ego wants you to get angry at people. Pointless.

I’ve encountered directly people saying how soft I am, how weak for walking away but you have a choice between love and violence. It’s what it comes down to.

So many people I’ve known have tried to teach me a lesson, to put me in my place, so to speak. The fascinating is I perpetuated said relationships.

Ha ha, not anymore.