Month: February 2025

I’m really on the brink at the moment.

A powerful vision, nervousness, getting my head sorted after years of people pleasing (my heart too by the way!)

The truth is, to build anything you will need to let people know about it. That’s your ‘marketing’.

There’s all the stigma that goes with that too! It’s nerve-racking.

But, each message you send is a win, an education.

People will give advice and, yes, you can listen. Adopt everything, adopt nothing. 

You have to look at the results. 

To get where you really want to be, you’ll have to do uncomfortable stuff and, if you want to know how I feel about it, much of the time I feel like I’m bothering people, that I’m going to get ‘found out’, that people could be nasty to me, that I’m a fraud and not acting authentically, all of it.\

It’s all part of doing the necessary.

But each message is a step whether you acknowledge it or not.

Learn to acknowledge it and accept you’re making progress.

There will be bumps in the road.

I’m out in the world, trying to do meaningful things, it’s not a smooth and easy path, it’s why most avoid it. I’ve been avoidant too.

But after a shit day yesterday, feeling rather pointless, today I feel renewed.

I talk about being honest with yourself because you can try and deny the way you think and feel but it doesn’t stop what you’re experiencing, just pushes it down.

There’s work to do, purposeful, powerful work.

There isn’t a person in the world who wouldn’t benefit from a kick in the arse.

We assume that always means there is something to do.

Just as we know that simplicity is key, a lot of learning is unlearning.

Unlearning conditioning you used to protect yourself.

Unlearning limiting beliefs that kept you neat and tidy and not bothering people (or so you thought).

Unlearning that you need permission to live your own life.

Personalities want.

There isn’t a person in the world who hasn’t thought “if only people would just do as I do, life would be so much easier.”

You have to decide what you want to do and ride the vehicles that will get you there.

I have a coaching call today, after making the decision yesterday to get help. Without really doing anything except paying an invoice and scheduling a meeting with my new partner, I woke up a winner.

We are all where we are. For thousands of years, thinkers have tried to snap us out of our indecision and, still, we procrastinate and agonise over our success, rather than just getting on with it. It’s because it’s frightening.

When you step out ahead of the pack to invest in something meaningful, you open up yourself to total uncertainty. We shun that!

But embracing your shortcomings and facing what you fear is the ultimate liberator.

Make tomorrow you proud by moving today you into the unknown.

You’ll figure out the extraneous stuff and realise just how capable you are in real time.

There’s so much stuff we do that we simply have no grasp on how amazing it is!

Take flushing the toilet. Think of all the engineering required, the many tens of thousands of miles of pipe work but we just push a flush or push a button and POUF! It’s gone.

Simple but so powerful.

After writing this blog post, I am jumping on a Google Video Call with someone. Think of all the coding and developing and investment seeking to get that technology available.

Yes, tech can be used to surveil but, of course, it be used to forge fantastic business relationships.

Are we so naive as a culture, we won’t use these incredible tools because some baaaaad people use them too? Please.

Guess what though, what do we take most for granted?

That’s right, our own capability. I know I’ve done this enormously! 

What are the wins I’ve already had? I am still here aren’t I? I must have done some stuff right!

You can accuse me of repeating myself but here’s the rub – start believing in yourself more!

I’ve lived in my head for the last few years.

I’ve been so busy trying to make sense of everything, the need to escape London and get back to the country, the state of my relationship with my ex, addressing historical wounds that have plagued me.

A lot!

A few days ago I wrote about my own balance of powers (masculine/feminine) and now I write about redressing the balance of my entire life given that I’ve fairly found the right help with my therapist.

I’ve chastised myself many times for ‘starting over’ again and again without realising I’ve just been experiencing difference stages of the path.

It’s abundantly clear to me that I have powerful perfectionistic proclivities and despite encouraging others to ‘embrace the mess’ of developing themselves, I haven’t done it very well myself.

There are things that I want, I’ve wanted them for a long time in fact, and there are challenges to overcome to get there but, for now, the key is reducing the time I spend in my head, obsessively churning over the same shit, and getting back into my body, my senses, appreciating the beautiful countryside I’ve moved back to.

I’ve tried to prepare myself for everything and, as a consequence, have been hyper vigilant and on-edge trying to avoid many situations.

The lady with whom I share a garage.

The woman whose bedroom (actually one of two bedrooms) is directly below my kitchen that she sleeps in. I have, for a long time, resorted to tiptoeing around the kitchen because I don’t want to disturb her but she has options I don’t so I feel ridiculous even telling you this.

The stage of worrying about how my actions affect others when they clearly don’t care about disturbing me is coming to an end. I’m not saying this in an antagonistic way but the time to really live MY life is upon me. That option has always been available to me.

When I see something, I say it.

When I feel something, I accept it.

Freeing up my energy to do great work – here I come!

Space

Time

Freedom

Authenticity (including this as it’s getting a bad rap)

These matter to me, more so than ever.

After my therapy session yesterday I realised I’m posting much of my content, still, as a people pleaser.

There are enormous benefits to creating the videos I record, the posts and longer-form prose I write but this idea of having to do it all the time, being ahead of the game as I’ve found myself calling it, well, that is another kind of prison.

Authenticity is practicing what you preach.

Freedom is deciding how I do things (hard for me at this stage!).

Time is what I prioritise that matters to me.

Space is the ability to breathe my own air.

No, I’m not talking politics.

I’m not even talking about relationship dynamics.

What I’m talking is personality.

I mentioned recently that I had a very feminised upbringing. The cousins that came to stay most regularly were female, auntie, mother and sister.

Reading Iron John by Robert Bly, this appears to be a very common setup. The issue of ‘softness’ is inevitable.

Acts of so-called aggression are shunned but are they aggressive? I’m asking seriously.

I notice that people, especially women, have a habit of calling things aggressive if they’re contrary to their own point of view or preference. I don’t agree so I’m going to label you ‘bad’. This happened to me fairly recently re: a shared garage situation.

When people get their own way for a long time, they really don’t want to give it up. They will fight. This is something I’ve been at the receiving end of all my life.

I will admit, there are certain benefits to having a more developed feminine side than a lot of men. Easily expressing feelings, sudden cathartic releases of emotion (crying!) are sometimes useful, the downside is churning experiences and wounds over again and again can quickly become another form of procrastination.

“Oh, my anxiety won’t allow me to do this.”

“I feel too nervous to do that.”

Stagnation can be a sad inevitability.

I’ve done the gym thing and, actually, gotten quite strong and leaned out. The urge to get using my home gym equipment is returning. Just to figure out a way of not being starving all the time.

The goal is to unite all the different parts of me. Long and drawn-out process and very much a work-in-progress.

We are where we are.

We live in the time we live in.

That much is true and inescapable.

I’m working to accept the position I’m in and help others through the same.

Emasculation is real, we’ve thrown the balance to the overbearing mother in an enormous way.

It’s why I say that “No.” Is the best word you can learn to embody.

Not aggressive.

Not confrontational.

But assertive and boundary-defining

Watch this space (and perhaps the occasional ‘gym-selfie’).

I had a really great day yesterday.

Productive

Creative

Getting myself out there

Got into bed, tired, ready to sleep. Didn’t happen for ages.

Got out of bed.

Got back in.

Do I stay up and work through?

Do I try to sleep again?

Woke up late and my body felt so heavy, I can’t tell you.

The push and pull of my psyche is immense. It’s exhausting. And annoying.

Obviously though, embarking on sorting out my shit will inevitably throw up many experiences, emotions, things I’ve been avoiding that are heavy in themselves. Endless process, that’s what it feels like.

And, curiously, I felt rather numb when I woke up today. Staring out of my bedroom window, not wanting to move. Dosing in and out of sleep. I shifted my body my remembering a funny scene from the classic BBC comedy series Ab Fab.

I have a deep desire at times to burn things to the ground, to clear everything out, start again – Make everything neat. Can’t be done can it! I find it very disordering. 

But in my experience of dealing with things, I’m going a LONG way back into my past, all the way back frankly and there’s a lot of Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter cleaning to do.

I’m building myself back up from the foundations, seriously, it’s excruciating and exceptional hard work.

So the aim is not crash and burn, it’s make sense and grow but, can’t lie, it’s a very painful and inescapable task.

Goodness me, I am reflective at the moment.

I have so many memories popping up to say “Hello! Remember me!” It’s a constant process of making sense of things, my place in them, how they can help and what I can leave behind.

Because leave something behind I have.

I pondered to myself what it could have been that a left behind and the conclusion I have preliminarily come to is Innocence.

It seems like a late stage that I’m coming to this realisation but, I wonder in my reflective mood, how many people come to the realisation at all? I think we know that the answer is very few. 

Some are too unthinking to make the connection between what’s happened and how we played our part in it.

Some are too frightened to admit the links – that, whether we like it or not, we made every decision for ill or for good.

Some are genuinely busy with family and regular responsibilities.

I’m lucky, and I feel it, to be able to think to the betterment of myself. I reflected recently that I feel grateful for what’s happened but, without sugarcoating, I feel heavy still as I release the mental burdens.

It hasn’t been easy being surrounded by people who don’t really care about me to stop and just listen. There’s either been ignorance, anger or a flighty vanishing of people into the night, never to be seen again.

I have remarked that my family and I didn’t really have conversations, we had slagging matches, interruptions and competitive-talkings over each other. This has largely been the way with friends and colleagues too. It was the dysfunctional model that I sought out.

I tried to scream out loud but it wasn’t heard.

SO!

I made my own way from a very early age and my next stage is to acknowledge it and start to feel good about standing my ground, so I can feel good about myself.

Yes, the child is in there and is reaching out a hand, a hand I am holding in my own way.

Acknowledge the past.

Embrace the present.

Build a better future.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while.

I do wonder how scatty my offerings are. For much of my life things have been in formation (that’s what information means).

People rely on data to prove their point(s) but I don’t believe any of it.

Whenever I hear about a ‘survey’ or a ‘poll’ or a ‘study’, I always think to myself “have I been asked?”, “has anyone I know or am related to been asked?”, “have people in my village or town or city been surveyed?”

The answer is always no and if you ask anyone else, they have the same answer.

With the push for globalism, it can be very difficult to keep your focus on the here and now as well as focusing on what you personally are doing. That’s the game frankly.

I’ve always felt that I’ve been between worlds as there are things I really want, quite seriously actually, but at the same time, people saying “no” and appearing to try to pull me back or voice their endless doubts and criticisms.

Standing up for yourself means being more direct and moving in the direction you want to go. I personally have found it very difficult but I’ve decided to simply be more honest and tell people what I think and just accept I am where I am, understanding regrets and ‘what-if”-ing are pointless. 

You’re always in a state of becoming, your life is unravelling and, as much as you can, keep deciding to walk your own path.

Aside from my dad, I had a very feminised upbringing.

Mum, Sister, during the holidays my mum’s sister would visit with her two daughters.

Women, women, women.

And to be honest, I’m not exactly criticising but, at school, I was increasingly timid, didn’t get into the rough and tumble with the other lads and it has made of me something of a ‘soft boy’.

It’s only in the last few years I’ve started saying no.

The title of this post came to me last night. I remembered an incident with one of the aforementioned cousins when she crashed her car, the tire came off and we ground our way home, the noise from the exposed wheel must have been excruciating to onlookers! It was bad enough inside the car

I remember we had the music playing and I quickly turned it off, so it wouldn’t bother her.

Later, when she was reflecting on the incident she said.

“He knew to turn the radio off. Oh, I thought. He’s well-trained.”

This crash happened approaching 30 years ago. There’s stuff buried deep down that needs to find it’s voice. In my last therapy session, I made the bold step of starting to express how I’ve really felt about a lot of different experiences.

My therapist asked me, “Are you afraid of your anger?”

I tried to skirt around the issue but the truth is, yes, I probably am very scared of what getting really angry would feel like. I associate it with being very damaging to me but the truth is, I know I need to let it out somehow. If I’m to progress healthily.

Drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol was a medicine, a numbing effect but, a seemingly contradictory influence – fuel for my anger. I can’t deny my conditioning loves a good rage.

I’ve stored up many things that have really fucked me off. There’s a lot of it. 

Slowly but surely, I want to release it, in my way.

I fundamentally realise that I’ve wanted to keep the peace – with others.

I’ve actually lived very timidly in many respects, not wanting to rock the boat.

I have subjugated myself to others and not yet learnt how to stand up for myself in a powerful way.

Honest and true.

There’s a great line in the film Sabrina (the 1990s version).

“You seem to be embarrassed by loneliness, by being alone. It’s only a place to start.”

I do not do things in miniature.

Indeed, whenever I go for something, I really throw myself into it!

You might say it’s landed me in trouble but, when you think about it, trouble is basically just something someone or some organisation disagrees with.

We have the idea of law, of the legal system, of ‘governance’ in general but it’s all a power play at the end of the day.

I’ve been through some massive changes recently.

Splitting with the ex shortly after moving back to my native hometown. Legitimately embarking on building a coaching business and, longer-term, starting to sell my artistic wares for your delight.

I’ve faced criticism, sarcasm, disdain, isolation and, frankly, I’m proud of myself for still smiling, being resilient and understanding, ultimately, that I can and will resolve the major struggles in my life.

I really am grateful for it all.

I’ve encountered all this negativity, of being shut out, of being made an example of and still found things to be pleased with and to feel accomplished of. 

It

Has

Not

Been

Easy

Never think I have been perpetually performing cartwheels down the street. No, no, no. It has been very tough and, at times, incredibly bleak. I’ve had to really search (which is why I say entrepreneurs are explorers) and dig deep to keep to my path.

I’ve weathered emotional storms you wouldn’t believe.

I’ve dealt with immense confusion at relationship dynamics in my midst.

I’ve been baffled by people ignoring my needs when I am so attentive to theirs.

I’ve discovered that the only way to live a full life is to start with Me – to build confidence and trust in myself. Once again,

It’s

Not

An

Easy

Task

But it is worth it.

You honestly have no idea how powerful and strong and capable you are when you get really willing to stare down the things you’re really afraid of. We are immensely stacked with tools and determination to handle whatever situation we are in.

It’s all been our choice.

Much of it has been frightening.

But guess what, we’re all still here.

We are all still breathing and that means OPPORTUNITY.

So much opportunity.

So much promise.

Don’t waste it.

Use it.

Win!

Gratitude is a superpower. 

Imagine being so unstoppable that you can stare the devil in the face and laugh, knowing he has no power over you.

You have the power over you.

You’re in the driving seat.

You take the wheel.

You are able.

Do it.

Whatever your heart desires, fulfil your mission, walk the path and live the quest.

Be grateful you have the life to live!

Thank You.

We are creatures of habit.

We are easily wed to familiarity.

And there’s no doubt we crave security.

Of course, it’s an illusion.

We like to think that we’re good at predicting things but we’re not. Why would most be constantly surprised by goings-on?

I believe the man that can weather the storm of uncertainty with resilience and gratitude is the ultimate incarnation of why we’re on planet Earth.

Everything is an opportunity to be stronger.

Are you doing this?

I finished my book last night, now to the next.

The recently completed tome was a Paul Coelho booked I read years and years ago. There was a section I remembered from the last partaking, the rest, it was like reading a new book. Most invigorating!

No matter which form it comes in, waking up a winner is a great feeling. And, really, winning is what? It’s doing and, with the book I finished last night, it’s riding the wave (going with the flow).

Usually it’s a chapter each night, last night it was three.

We learn through doing. 

It’s all very well intellectualising activities but when you feel it in your body, have the sensations of activity, it gets locked in.

Get the stuff done TODAY!

I believe laying in bed at night, thinking about my past and then crying must be close to the top of list of what I spend my time doing.

Last night, it was about how the relationship with my ex lacked any real intimacy. Of course I can’t be sure but it often felt like what I wanted was boring/irrelevant to my ex, an inconvenience to the pace he wanted when we were ‘together’ in person.

I find myself using bunny ear quote marks a lot with him because there wasn’t really that much togetherness or closeness between us. From the start there was a brick wall, a moat he had built around himself and I, like a lovestruck fool, kept on trying to revive the dead corpse, which is an interesting turn-of-phrase because one of the things he talked about a lot was his dead boyfriend. No joke.

I live as much by the principle of ‘where you are, be there.’ I wasn’t really there with my former attachment (a more appropriate term, frankly).

My topics of conversation were abruptly changed or flatly ignored.

I wasn’t allowed into his place.

He, as time went on, stopped coming to mine.

The sex dwindled and when it happened it was very mechanical.

No kissing.

No hugging.

He told me a story that he fractured someone’s jaw because they touched his face.

Red flags, right?! Red flags a plenty.

I now live with the emotional fallout of the situation but, I must say, the last couple of weeks have been a turning point for me. I understand far better my place with him and I have a far greater understanding of sticking to my guns, knowing what I want.

Know what you deserve and go after it. Don’t falter.

It’s about honesty.

We know what’s good for us but often it’s incredibly easy to make excuses for other people and explain them away that it’s all your fault.

Be on the same page as people.

Disagree with dignity

Ultimately, know you deserve connection and companionship.

Let’s be honest, the vast majority are not going to be entrepreneurs, they’re not capable of it. The idea that everyone can work for themselves is absurd. Some people will always be employees and it’s not a judgement, it’s necessary, everyone definitely has their place.

Here’s the thing that I’ve seen, though, whilst interacting with other people on Twitter.

So many migrate their employee beliefs into building their own business.

Diligence

Consistent work

A sense of structure

These are all, of course, important but here’s the great news. 

You get to decide how you structure your day, no one is breathing down your neck telling you what you have or have not to do. You can work according to your own rhythms, at the time of day you wish, in short blocks or longer blocks of time.

It’s not a job, it’s a calling. Truly.

It’s not a job, it’s a mission.

It’s not a job that has to be ‘hard work’ (as in irritating)

It’s not a job, don’t make it one!

Every person in the world experiences bumps in the road but you, as an entrepreneur, can navigate those and figure out what works best for you.

Have a different, ideal sleep pattern, great, you can be your own boss and decide what your ‘office’ hours are.

You’re the boss, remember that and it scares a lot of people to realise it but once you embrace it, success is inevitable. 

I just replied to a tweet saying “creativity begets creativity”.

Of course, boiled down, creativity is an act, getting something done – letting the imagination soar and putting it down on a keyboard, paper, musical instrument and so on.

The reason you get more done once you get started is you eliminate fear, doubt and excuses.

The mind is a magical beast capable of great feats and dirty nightmares.

When it comes down to it, you have to be the one who chooses.

You have to sort yourself out first. You can want great things for other people but if you don’t do it for yourself, you will never be genuine and people will feel it.

I remember, at a friend’s birthday party, I showed one of the guests a picture of a painting I did (it’s actually hanging on my wall as we speak). Bear in mind, this is on an iPhone screen.

He said “Wow! It’s got a lot of movement.” or “Wow! There’s a lot of movement in it.” Something like that. Your impact can be felt even if it’s slightly abstracted.

Imagine the influence and impact you could have, in all the areas of your life, if you truly put yourself out there and started spreading wonderful things like beauty, wisdom, honesty, bit of controversy.

There are lessons you’ve truly learned because you now embody them, struggles you’ve overcome, funny anecdotes that are really valuable to people.

These experiences first need to be acknowledged by you, valued and then shared.

What a fantastic gift for yourself and the world.

Stand up and Speak.

Get yourself out everywhere.

I’ve limited myself a lot, minimised myself a lot.

The last five years since meeting my ex, it was a rollercoaster, incredibly uncertain but it was also imprisoning – I take responsibility for it though. Like it or not, I did make the decisions.

And you know what? We make the decisions for good reasons, maybe they’re not practical, maybe they’re not healthy, but we want security as much as possible, there’s something to navigate for you.

Satisfy as many parts of you on a daily basis, pleasure, challenge, bit of a struggle, deep focus, laughter, connection. We are holistic beings and, for me, the biggest challenge is bringing all the pieces together.

But march on we do, as peacefully as possible, with strength and determination.

This subject deserves its own post.

Know what you want. Yes, tick.

Goals are dreams with deadlines. Yep, got that one.

Hustle, hustle, hustle until you make it. Granted, understood.

Only trouble is, you’re missing a vital ingredient.

You have to believe you can achieve it. You cannot achieve greatness if you doubt your abilities.

Think about it, if you’re investing time in developing skills and you have no emotional connection or intellectual grasp with them, you’re just putting yourself in stalemate and you’ll run yourself into the ground, I’ve seen it so many times.

I know it sounds esoteric to ‘start believing’ you can win but ask yourself ‘why do I have doubts?’ And ‘is it possible I’m trying to protect other people’s feelings/opinions?’. Do you want to stick to your familiar conditioning and stay ‘safe’?

Why aren’t you where you want to be? 

Has to be something in you.

I was midway watching a podcast earlier today and there was a moment where the host, of a very edgy podcast, admonished his guest for speaking in ‘Normie’ terms. It was regarding sexism, basically. Yawn.

During his lecture, the host admitted it was very uncomfortable confronting his guest but I was so pleased. I felt uncomfortable with him because it’s something I’ve been afraid to do with people around me.

Learning to stand up for myself when I’ve been such a people-pleaser is excruciatingly uncomfortable at times – BUT IT’S GOOD!

If confidence is to be a real thing, then the rule must be applied evenly. Other people can be confused, so can I.

Yes? Logical, right?

But the emotions have to catch up and you have to train yourself. Believe me, I have to deep breathe my way through lots of conversations now when I’m asserting myself. I welcome the experience but make no mistake, it is a conscious and concerted effort.

My friend, believe in yourself. You’re greater than you know.

Was reading my book last night.

There was just one line that made me ponder.

“They will never be really in love.”

And it occurred to me, what if we switched it to 

“They will never really be in love.”

It’s a tiny change that totally alters the whole meaning. The first addresses the extent to which the two would love each other and the second denies that the couple are in love at all!

One Small Shift.

Now, imagine if we were able to make one small shift yourself. This shift…

Starting to believe you can be successful.

Do you really want what you’re aiming at?

Is it YOUR ambition or are you trying to please someone else?

Would you be happy with what your life if you achieved this goal?

Make sure you’re doing the right things for the right reasons. There is no greater tragedy than to achieve grand goals but have no investment in them and that are not authentic to you.

I caught myself using this phrase the other day.

It got me thinking, the language we use is indicative of the state of our minds and our actions.

Steal, it’s not a positive word is it!

I certainly know I’ve felt guilty for standing up for myself, I’ve been criticised for going against the grain and disagreeing at times.

It’s only now, in my forties, that I truly understand I deserve time and space for myself, to do what I want to do in whichever way I want to do it. I’m not a malicious person but I’ve definitely been frustrated by the hypocrisy of close people in my life. Rules for thee and rules for me sort of thing.

We all need time to absorb what’s happening in life and there are myriad ways we can do that.

Carve out time for yourself. It’s your right.

It’s always been easy to race and race on the hamster wheel. 

We are forever comparing ourselves to other people, other people’s achievements, other people’s methods.

By now, we know that other people are going to do what they’re going to do. Inescapable.

Never am I saying you should rest on your laurels, no, no, no. There are beautiful and powerful things that you can do. 

What I am saying, understand that it will take time. Life is not a series of end points, it is a series of pivots and transformations and…

Every experience is necessary. You’re not just a turning cog, you are a complex, increasingly integrated system, with many influences – often feeling displaced or contradictory.

We each have God-given gifts, who’s to say that people giving instructions and rules even follow them or get the results that they want. We live in a world, ever so now, of highlight reels and people don’t see the behind-the-scenes footage. Keep that for yourself, maybe share the odd bit but give yourself space, giving yourself the time that YOU need and you alone.

It’s your life.

I met my ex online, on a hookup app of all places, in March 2020. It’s not the origin story, frankly, that I want to tell.

I couldn’t tell you exactly why but, at his say-so, we didn’t meet in person for another three weeks. I found this strange or at least it made me wonder why. In the interim before our flesh-to-flesh meeting, we FaceTimed. The conversation was all a bit frantic. From the beginning, he REALLY disliked being asked questions. 

Instant red flag, right? 🚩 Correct! ✅

But continue with the charade we did. When we actually met in person, halfway between where we both lived, on the edge of the City of London, we nearly had sex in a public alleyway. No joke, more frantic behaviour. It was the hook frankly. 

We went to a small park lining the banks of The Thames and, in a rare moment of intimacy and, even rarer public display of affection, I lay on the bench and rested my head on his lap. He stroked my forehead quite sweetly. This would be the last time it happened. I believe he knew what he was doing. He dropped the RULES because, as it would turn out, he wanted someone who he could offload on. Over and over and over.

The several breakups we had in the total of four years we offed-and-oned were basically when I couldn’t ignore being shut out anymore. But even in the periods of separation, I obsessed about him because I thought he was The One. Thankfully, with some proper distance, and a fabulous therapist, this believe is evaporating.

You have to be able to speak and be heard in relationships. Communication really is everything. Otherwise, you have one-sided relationships where the person doesn’t care about you.

I hold my hands up and admit totally that I allowed this to happen, not just with him but with everybody. I allowed myself to be used.

The instinct, of course, to imprison myself in these situations still lingers a bit. My feelings have not quite yet caught up with my intellect. Rationally, I knew very early on that things would not work out with this chap but I fell hook, line and sinker for this man. It was very quick and totally immersive, despite the fact that, from the start, he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship but somehow we both ignored our instincts and indulged the enormous gravitational pull we had towards each other.

Most of it was sex, I will admit and I have specific reasons for that, which I won’t go into now but once that wore off between us and, particularly, when he voyeuristically asked me to have sex with other men (which I did to please him – grubby! Pitiful but there it is), the understanding of how fucking (no pun intended) doomed this was became obvious to me.

If you allow yourself to be imprisoned, people, I’m afraid, will take advantage of it. We attract what we believe and the walls either go up around us or we use our courage and conviction to walk away.

I knew the truth, I just chose to hide from it, for a long time! Now, I choose the solitary path, for however long, to build myself up. 

There is plenty more to share of this story but I wanted to be honest and I have.

Thank you for reading.

I have two ‘just overs’ to mention.

Numero uno is just over three months since the split from my ex.

Number duo is just over two months since drinking my final drop of alcohol.

It feels longer.

The effects are great. 

It makes me realise just how much what I believe were ‘needs’ can change. Needs often are a distraction from what you CAN do. You’re more capable than you think. I am definitely more able than I give myself credit for.

Accept that each stage of your life is necessary. People talk about mistakes but they fail to understand that we can only operate out of the thinking and feeling we believe at any given moment.

We don’t have mental crystal balls or emotional scrying mirrors. You are where you are, I say it a lot and it sounds obvious to read but I don’t think people accept where they are, always want to be somewhere else and, as I’ve observed, would rather argue and be miserable in a particular situation than resolve it as simply and easily in the moment.

Tempus fugit, and it passes quickly, no doubt.

Learn to fill it with joy and creativity.

Make love not war.

Progress, success, fulfilment, whatever you want to call the dream state, you and I both know it’s a balancing act.

There are certain things we know will make us feel great – exercise (whichever form it comes in), great sleep, good sex, eating healthily (not eating healthy as some of you say to my dismay!) – these things nigh on guarantee a great day but some days just end up being brilliant or blah for no apparent reason (so it seems).

I believe the key is more and more observation and acknowledgement.

Usually great days are preceded by a decision to have a great day (putting you in the driving seat of how your life turns out) and, often, will involve all or most of the things you love doing. A sense of accomplishment at the end of the day usually has an automatic effect of setting up the next day for a win!

We know not every ‘dial’ is ramped up to ten every day, it’s a rollercoaster and, of course, we all have those niggling ‘issues’ that play on our mind that we obsess over when we’re laying in bed at 3am (it’s always around 3!)

Accepting that things have landed in their respect spots is vital if you’re going to move through life peacefully and productively. Agonising only delays abundance.

With all this said, I hope you are having a delicious day and, if it’s a hard one, I wish a great one to come your way.

Don’t you think that ‘selfishness’ has a bad rap?

If you’re not looking after your own best interest, who else will and should that even be a position?

It’s clear to me that we imprison ourselves, we do a perfectly fine job of that regardless of other people.

I see numerous people actively behaving against their own welfare and I’m afraid, the majority of the time you have to leave them to it.

You can’t rationalise people out of a position they didn’t rationalist themselves into.

My therapist yesterday quoted a fantastic phrase “the body keeps the score”. It’s, in fact, the title of a book, you have to start racking up wins for yourself, feeling good about yourself, asking what it is that you want and feeling good about that too.

That’s what putting yourself at the top of the list means. You live your life, you have to, no one else can walk in your shoes. No one else is going to do the work for you to achieve your desires. No one else will care about your life like you do.

Call me selfish, call me crazy but that’s the way it is.