I believe laying in bed at night, thinking about my past and then crying must be close to the top of list of what I spend my time doing.
Last night, it was about how the relationship with my ex lacked any real intimacy. Of course I can’t be sure but it often felt like what I wanted was boring/irrelevant to my ex, an inconvenience to the pace he wanted when we were ‘together’ in person.
I find myself using bunny ear quote marks a lot with him because there wasn’t really that much togetherness or closeness between us. From the start there was a brick wall, a moat he had built around himself and I, like a lovestruck fool, kept on trying to revive the dead corpse, which is an interesting turn-of-phrase because one of the things he talked about a lot was his dead boyfriend. No joke.
I live as much by the principle of ‘where you are, be there.’ I wasn’t really there with my former attachment (a more appropriate term, frankly).
My topics of conversation were abruptly changed or flatly ignored.
I wasn’t allowed into his place.
He, as time went on, stopped coming to mine.
The sex dwindled and when it happened it was very mechanical.
No kissing.
No hugging.
He told me a story that he fractured someone’s jaw because they touched his face.
Red flags, right?! Red flags a plenty.
I now live with the emotional fallout of the situation but, I must say, the last couple of weeks have been a turning point for me. I understand far better my place with him and I have a far greater understanding of sticking to my guns, knowing what I want.
Know what you deserve and go after it. Don’t falter.
It’s about honesty.
We know what’s good for us but often it’s incredibly easy to make excuses for other people and explain them away that it’s all your fault.
Be on the same page as people.
Disagree with dignity
Ultimately, know you deserve connection and companionship.