Aside from my dad, I had a very feminised upbringing.
Mum, Sister, during the holidays my mum’s sister would visit with her two daughters.
Women, women, women.
And to be honest, I’m not exactly criticising but, at school, I was increasingly timid, didn’t get into the rough and tumble with the other lads and it has made of me something of a ‘soft boy’.
It’s only in the last few years I’ve started saying no.
The title of this post came to me last night. I remembered an incident with one of the aforementioned cousins when she crashed her car, the tire came off and we ground our way home, the noise from the exposed wheel must have been excruciating to onlookers! It was bad enough inside the car
I remember we had the music playing and I quickly turned it off, so it wouldn’t bother her.
Later, when she was reflecting on the incident she said.
“He knew to turn the radio off. Oh, I thought. He’s well-trained.”
This crash happened approaching 30 years ago. There’s stuff buried deep down that needs to find it’s voice. In my last therapy session, I made the bold step of starting to express how I’ve really felt about a lot of different experiences.
My therapist asked me, “Are you afraid of your anger?”
I tried to skirt around the issue but the truth is, yes, I probably am very scared of what getting really angry would feel like. I associate it with being very damaging to me but the truth is, I know I need to let it out somehow. If I’m to progress healthily.
Drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol was a medicine, a numbing effect but, a seemingly contradictory influence – fuel for my anger. I can’t deny my conditioning loves a good rage.
I’ve stored up many things that have really fucked me off. There’s a lot of it.
Slowly but surely, I want to release it, in my way.
I fundamentally realise that I’ve wanted to keep the peace – with others.
I’ve actually lived very timidly in many respects, not wanting to rock the boat.
I have subjugated myself to others and not yet learnt how to stand up for myself in a powerful way.
Honest and true.
There’s a great line in the film Sabrina (the 1990s version).
“You seem to be embarrassed by loneliness, by being alone. It’s only a place to start.”