Goodness me, I am reflective at the moment.
I have so many memories popping up to say “Hello! Remember me!” It’s a constant process of making sense of things, my place in them, how they can help and what I can leave behind.
Because leave something behind I have.
I pondered to myself what it could have been that a left behind and the conclusion I have preliminarily come to is Innocence.
It seems like a late stage that I’m coming to this realisation but, I wonder in my reflective mood, how many people come to the realisation at all? I think we know that the answer is very few.
Some are too unthinking to make the connection between what’s happened and how we played our part in it.
Some are too frightened to admit the links – that, whether we like it or not, we made every decision for ill or for good.
Some are genuinely busy with family and regular responsibilities.
I’m lucky, and I feel it, to be able to think to the betterment of myself. I reflected recently that I feel grateful for what’s happened but, without sugarcoating, I feel heavy still as I release the mental burdens.
It hasn’t been easy being surrounded by people who don’t really care about me to stop and just listen. There’s either been ignorance, anger or a flighty vanishing of people into the night, never to be seen again.
I have remarked that my family and I didn’t really have conversations, we had slagging matches, interruptions and competitive-talkings over each other. This has largely been the way with friends and colleagues too. It was the dysfunctional model that I sought out.
I tried to scream out loud but it wasn’t heard.
SO!
I made my own way from a very early age and my next stage is to acknowledge it and start to feel good about standing my ground, so I can feel good about myself.
Yes, the child is in there and is reaching out a hand, a hand I am holding in my own way.
Acknowledge the past.
Embrace the present.
Build a better future.