I had a really great day yesterday.
Productive
Creative
Getting myself out there
Got into bed, tired, ready to sleep. Didn’t happen for ages.
Got out of bed.
Got back in.
Do I stay up and work through?
Do I try to sleep again?
Woke up late and my body felt so heavy, I can’t tell you.
The push and pull of my psyche is immense. It’s exhausting. And annoying.
Obviously though, embarking on sorting out my shit will inevitably throw up many experiences, emotions, things I’ve been avoiding that are heavy in themselves. Endless process, that’s what it feels like.
And, curiously, I felt rather numb when I woke up today. Staring out of my bedroom window, not wanting to move. Dosing in and out of sleep. I shifted my body my remembering a funny scene from the classic BBC comedy series Ab Fab.
I have a deep desire at times to burn things to the ground, to clear everything out, start again – Make everything neat. Can’t be done can it! I find it very disordering.
But in my experience of dealing with things, I’m going a LONG way back into my past, all the way back frankly and there’s a lot of Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter cleaning to do.
I’m building myself back up from the foundations, seriously, it’s excruciating and exceptional hard work.
So the aim is not crash and burn, it’s make sense and grow but, can’t lie, it’s a very painful and inescapable task.