I’m shedding a million skins at the moment.
It’s exhausting, relentless and, often, irritating.
It’s temporary, I know this but it’s intense sorting yourself out.
It’s probably, now, one of the most over-referenced films but I’m going to do it anyway.
Neo, in The Matrix: I can’t go back can I?
Morpheus: No, but if you could, would you want to?
Even I have offered the standard “keep going” advice but, obviously, it’s not particularly helpful when my sleep’s disrupted, when I feel angry for feeling like I’ve wasted so much time, when I feel disappointed I’ve made many impulsive decisions in my past.
Honest to God, every millimetre of frustration is coming up all at once and sometimes I genuinely get short of breath and have to find ways to calm myself down. Quite often now, I find myself having to just stop move when I’m out on my walks to collect myself.
I understand you don’t want to do therapy. I understand you’re young and think that going to the gym will sort your head out but it won’t. You’ll just end up taking your anger out on the lat pulldown machine and get an irreparable shoulder cuff injury. I’ve seen it so many times.
I am an advocate of the mixed method – do the gym AND therapy. So you can feel starving and pissed off at the same time and push yourself through the momentary period of feeling lost and curious and hopeful all at once.
It’s a mighty head-fuck, I agree, but it’s worth it because distractions are not you, thoughts are not you.
Peace, joy and clarity ARE you. By all means, call me idealistic, soft and weak but I believe this is why you’re avoiding asking for ‘that help’ because there’s an unspoken admission that you don’t want to go through this stage. People don’t talk about this side of therapy that just feels like shit.
But this too shall pass. It’s up to you to decide if you’re willing and brave enough to do it.
I’m glad to be doing it because I know ultimately it will free me but, right now, ugh!