It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks. Three months following, I will have been back in my hometown for two years.
I had longed to return here for more years than I can remember. Living in London for around the first ten years (from 2001) was an absolute adventure. It was vibrant, exciting, really sociable and friendly and, in fact, it wasn’t actually too busy.
Of course, over time that changed dramatically, noisy, cramped and claustrophobic, stressful. People think I am obsessed but cyclists! Oh my dear Lord, the lunatic cyclists ruining every where you’d go. This said……..
There are moments when I fancy a walk down Regent Street, a stroll over to Hyde Park, a morning visit to The City, passing St. Paul’s. London’s exceptionally impressive AND I lived in a fabulous area, within easy distance of places that most will only ever visit once, maybe twice, in their lifetimes.
As bleak as this may sound, longing for anything is a refusal of reality. I know that my life is infinitely better up here in the countryside, familiar with how and where I grew up and it suits me. The London I call fantastic doesn’t exist anymore and we can discuss the reasons for that as much as we like.
I understand that talking is not doing. It feels like an achievement to whine and pontificate over how things ‘should’ be but that’s delusional. Most believe, from what I can see, that life happens to them and they misplace loyalties and power in the hands of those that can’t do anything for them. And I am not just talking about politics (though clearly we understand the fundamental corruption of the current political system).
No, I am talking about the majority of peoples’ interactions and relationships. We hope that there’s someone to complete us. I made a million allowances with my ex and there are still moments when I wonder what he’s doing, how he is, if he’s made visits to my place. It’s all fanciful and detached from reality but our feelings and longings go deep.
We’ve persuaded ourselves that other people are the answer. They’re not. Your own sense of anchoring is the point.
Who are you? Who are you exactly where you are and what do you want where you are now?