I had another dream last night.
I had been somewhere or another and I boarded a bus, climbing to the top deck.
Initially, I had sat somewhere on my own and was settling down to read my book (something I’ve been discussing recently that I’d love to set aside far more time for but, for some reason, won’t allow myself to do).
As the bus was setting off, a young girl with her mother sat next to me and started jumping around me, prodding me, refusing to leave me alone and I said to her the title of this post. The dream ended with me saying this.
I’ve got a long journey (it’s very prescient) to undo how damaged I feel and to finally take charge of the conditions of my life both in a personal/psychological sense and how I will allow and disavow how other people behave in our relationships. And I’d just like to read, immersed in interesting information, totally focused, totally present. It sounds like absolutely bliss but it always, for me, feels like there’s something pulling me from true joy – and peacefulness.
When we say “I just want….” whatever it is, what we’re actually saying is “I want to take this time for myself, to do what I alone want to do in my own way.” This seems to fly in the face of most people’s behaviour who, I am convinced, want to make things more difficult and shun simplicity.
I want the latter, I will have it and let the cards fall where they may.