THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S A CLUSTERFUCK!

I’m reading a great little book at the moment. It’s Paulo Coelho’s The Fifth Mountain and details the life (I’m assuming based on biblical writings) of the Prophet Elijah. Last night, I read a very long chapter that I’d been sitting on reading for a few nights as I’ve been so spent recently when I’ve got into bed.

When I turned the lights off, I knew that last night’s dream was going to be particularly multifarious and vivid. It was.

A particular highlight of the dream was a group of about thirty Chinamen taking the stage (they appeared to be waiting for some reason) of a highly ornate London theatre. In their hands, they held fans which they began flapping at breakneck speed – so much so they set the theatre on fire! That’s right, on fire. So my sister and I evacuated the theatre via the stairs at the back. As we ran up the stairs, I held her hand continually telling to keep going. That’s where that section ended and switched to walking out on the street, my sister vanishing.

Now it gets differently interesting. I start walking with a good looking chap, reminiscent of a fitness YouTuber I follow. I want to ask him if he’s gay but he then turns out to be engaged to a woman. He, to reiterate, very handsome, she, in stark contrast, very ugly. I wonder why. I ask how long they’ve been together, he says even if he’s been with her for one hour, it’s irrelevant. He seems pissed off. I push him on the subject, he repeats his disdain. He then walks me through a very rough part of town, I am shocked by the hoards of dodgy people and mess we’re passing. That’s where it ends.

One dream. Lots of meaning.

We are oceans of unanswered questions, things we want to do. This particular dream makes me realise there are so many things I want to tick of the last.

What do we choose? It’s messy and we’re ambitious. It’s a clusterfuck but you know what, doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Pick something, anything and do it, see what happens. I believe, if we’re honest, this is what most do, most of the time and it’s fine.

WHO’D HAVE THUNK IT!

Wherever you go, whoever you talk with, you’ll realise, despite protestations, people don’t really know what they’re doing.

They don’t have all the answers.

They have wildly different belief systems

They do different things to relieve the stress.

People run podcasts, they will have their one-size-fits-all philosophy then why bother examining opposing viewpoints at all? Answers. There are gaps in our theories (and usually our arguments are self-referential.

I recently met a chap named Patrick and he runs a discord server for gay/bi men to get together and have fun. I’m an enthusiastic partaker because it’s been a YEAR since I’ve had any action. Yes, it’s all virtual, yes, you may have whatever opinion you wish but we pretend that man don’t wank. They do, they just don’t talk about it.

I, in fact, thought about starting a separate account to talk about this stuff but let’s allow it to all hang out. The amount of great conversations I’ve had in this server is incredible, I swear it.

Fear

Shame

Embarrassment

They’re all higher on people’s lists than honesty.

Time to change that? I’ll leave that with you.

WHAT’S WORKED?

We do love to complicate things.


Relationships

Business

Work

Social media

It’s not actually that tricky, we just get in our own way.

What has worked in the past – for YOU?

When were you most consistent?

What were the conditions?

How much time did you set aside for yourself?

Important question – When did you say ‘No’ to others and ‘Yes’ to yourself? This is where most people fall down.

Last night, I found myself briefly reflecting on my relationship with my ex and, the truth is, my instincts were correct that I should have parted ways with him far sooner but I ignored my intuition.

We ‘know’, we just don’t act on it.

Figure out what’s worked. Do that.

I’ve found myself wondering why I haven’t been writing lately, in the regular way I used to. It was because I pushed it down the schedule of my normal morning routine. Now here I am writing fresh in the morning and I’m thinking to myself ‘why did I abandon this practice?’ We’re a complex mix of, often, contradictory urges. Sometimes the destructive ones win.

For a little while, I’ve been focusing on ‘letting go’ but actually I’ve let go of that now. Things are as they are, it’s a radically simple mentality but it will free you to get on with what you need and want to do.

What’s worked? Simple. You know what’s worked. Do more of that and the rest will likely sort itself out – and if it doesn’t, that’s when you ask for help.