I went for a very short walk yesterday evening. I was significantly into recording my daily video for IG/FB/Twitter but after a certain point I abandoned it.
Nothing felt right about it, I was waffling. I could have uploaded it but I didn’t want to put the energy out into the world.
When I got home, I rewatched a great podcast with Andrew Gold (Heretics) interviewing the marvellous Katie Hopkins. It’s a great conversation, particularly as it progresses when Ms. H. pushes Andrew more and more to do a better job.
There is a great line that Katie offers part way that is relevant to this post.
“You need to go out into the Wilderness and you need to find what you’re certain about.”
The last few weeks, I’ve honestly felt like I’m tromping through treacle. Things have felt incredibly laborious, I’ve felt enormously pointless and, as I’ve been conditioned to do, beaten myself up. It’s a relentlessly difficult state to break.
It is these moments that feel the most bleak, the most difficult, the most uncertain.
However!
It is not the time to give up.
It is the time to do two things, question the efficacy of feeling so low and question what the way through the darkness is.
I have my therapist.
I have my writing.
I have my videos.
I have my walks.
I have my gym.
All of these are massive positives. I have great things in my life.
I also have a lot of doubts, insecurities and fears.
Those too are positives, there is no road map out in the Wilderness, but they are positives as I develop bravery and persistence.
Giving into the darkness can make things really grim but that’s your thought process not the reality. There is light if you open your ears, your ears, your heart to wonder.
Not all that wander are lost just at a harder part of the path.
Courage my boy, courage.
Carry on forwards.