Personalities want something. Always.
And people push for what they want. Believe me, I’ve been at the receiving end of much of this.
Criticism
Ghosting
Ignorance
Abandonment
Seen it all.
The reason we enter into ventures, relationships, education, there’s always some perceived advantage or need we are fulfilling.
Months ago, splitting from my ex, I realised just how desperate my behaviour has been, not just to please people but desperately to try and make things work because I didn’t want to admit failure. I wanted to believe it would work because I didn’t want to see an end to yet another relationship.
Literally in the last few days, however, I’ve grown even more honest with myself in a powerful admission – I haven’t wanted to endorse or acknowledge certain states and emotions. In fact, I’ve been terrified to do so. Chiefly, regret is something I have wanted to totally ignore, to the point of trying to convince myself it doesn’t exist. Failure too. Haven’t wanted to admit that.
I have, in effect, using ‘positivity’ as another psychological prison.
I discussed this with my therapist. The conclusion I came to was in acknowledging regrets and failures, I somehow castigate myself as ungrateful, pessimistic, hopeless. I had to remind myself of something I advise many people to do….
Wherever you are, be there.
Radical honesty – it’s brutal. I feel it is particularly brutal for me because, having for so long denied these things, I am now looking at all the times I’ve done it and am retrospectively beating myself up. I feel it viscerally in my body, my legs tingle, my stomach tightens, I get shortness of breath.
Oh, just put it behind you. Nah, not me, yet. If you’ve been piling up shit for decades, you’re going to have to clear it up and put it in its proper place and that is what the personal work is for me.
The exhaustion I’ve felt,
The mental heaviness I’ve frequently experienced,
The lack of focus and relentless inability to truly relax into the flow of life,
All these, now, make abundant sense to me. I’ve lived with a pervasive sense of confusion and much of it is this denial I’ve indulged.
Getting better requires getting honest. You will be required to admit stuff you’ve buried.
What’s the lesson?
Where’s the wisdom?
When will you give yourself a break?
You did things because you thought they’d make you feel better. You and I know it was at the expense of your soul and your better judgement. It is done, but you will need to get used to the fact that certain things, certain people, certain opportunities are gone. That’s the trade-off. And as you improve, you’ll have to trade security for flexibility. Life is not meant to lived rigidly, you know? Free-flowing, joyful, free full stop. That’s the natural state but obviously we get augmented and manipulated and persuaded into things that are damaging but that’s what desire does.
It seems like a good idea at the time but you will always live with the consequences.
Trade self-loathing for self-improvement.
You’re always going to be you.
You’re always going to be in your skin.
It’s time, and you known it, to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.