Month: October 2026

Believe me, I am just as afflicted trying to get things right as you are. Looking for the perfect way to do things, deciding what to eat, how. Many comments on Twitter to grow my account, when to exercise. There is a script running in my head, I’m aware of it, that is constantly barking at me.

I have always been very hard on myself, people have told me so and I know it myself. I feel it viscerally in my body.

But none of these things matter as much as you think. When I slow down and ignore as much of the noise as I can, we are possessed of common sense with a taste of variety.

Adventure exists everywhere. For me, taking a new path in the local area is just as exciting as when I went on holiday in my youth. It’s something fresh and interesting and it makes the rest of the surrounding valley make sense, tighter, more intimate. I really do love understanding how things work together.

It’s very easy to get obsessed when we follow people whose online raison d’être is just one subject. It’s also frighteningly easy to become myopic, to the exclusion of a rounded life.

Relax. I’ve found it really works wonders. I’ve seen more progress in the last few weeks because I’ve learned to breath my way through things, being calm and focused and just getting the big, and little, jobs done. It’s a satisfying life we’re looking for and you can have it.

I once would have said I appreciate things neat and tidy, a place for everything and everything in its place and while that’s true, I know it isn’t the full picture.

Zoom out and I am quite chronically avoidant of getting certain things done because a) I’m not quite sure what I’m doing and b) I often don’t like what follows – the disorder, the fall out, the inevitable chaos creation. Once you uncover previous ‘handiwork’, you’re going to reveal the patch it up for later mess!

“Whoops, now I’ve created a clean spot. Looks like we’ll have to do the whole thing.” famously uttered Ripley to Newt.

The reason I talk so often about taking things steadily in stages is because there’s much work to do, much sorting out of the self that is still to come. While I enjoy rearranging furniture in each of my rooms to reach the optimal layout, I, of course, realise it’s the window dressing to the real work which needs to be done – which only I can and need to do.

Grab today by its horns and get those irritating jobs done first.

My ex-boyfriend turned up in my Twitter comments yesterday. I recognised the AI-generated profile pic he used.

He reported of being, amongst other things, ‘lost, strong, warm, cold, naive’. We always see things from our own point of view. He also remarked that he is many things to many people.

Sounds exhausting to me.

Now, in the past I have blocked him but I’m not doing that this time. Don’t know why, it just feels unnecessary.

He’s obviously been thinking of me, I’ve obviously not stopped thinking about him.

It’s a funny old world isn’t it.

“If we don’t dream, we go.” is an iconic line from Nightmare on Elm Street. Nancy is terrified of her dreams because it’s where Freddy lives but we know that in real life dreams are the things that education are made of.

Last night, I had such an intense dream and the beauty of it is we take characters from our life long past and we can imbue them with qualities we never saw or appreciated in them, have it all in vivid colour and touching emotion and wake up ready to face the day with enthusiasm and vigour!

The dream involved my family, an old neighbour who lived next door to us and the opportunity to see her playful, energetic, so full of life. Dreams tell us what we should be doing and how we should be doing it. It was a decisive dream, a dream that challenged idleness, it was outdoor and active.

I recently went on a long walk and when I was reexamining Google Maps, I realised just how far I walked and in what conditions I did it and I felt rather proud of myself (which is a sin apparently, a task which misses the target in translation) but I don’t see it as a sin.

It was something I did that was hard and slightly uncomfortable but, my God, it was exhilarating. I walked a path very few have ever walked and I was certainly the first person to do it in a long time. I am enjoying the fact I did it more and more with each day and I will probably revisit the site to explore it some more.

Dreams are not just for when we’re asleep, when we wake, we have the opportunity of putting things into practice and seeing what we’re really capable of.

No waiting.

No doubting.

Only realising.

I went on an incredible new walk yesterday. There are certain footpaths around here that are rather inaccessible, involving slightly tricky access and it is these I am exceptionally drawn to so I can have a great explore.

Now, I had clambered through a lot of overgrowth to get to a small area of woods – this path had definitely not been used for a long time but when I got to the section I realised I was at a dead-end. No gates, lots of wired-off sections and enclosures so I was forced to come back the same way. 

When I reached almost the beginning of the walk, I discovered an open gate which took me along the side of a cultivated field, I felt rather pleased. Despite the trek being a little arduous, I felt I had gone as far as I could go for the first adventure – and I had the place entirely to myself, just call me frontier men.

There are certain things you just need to say yes or no to. It’s called being decisive. When I realised I had to walk back, I can’t lie, I did feel the slight pang of defeat but that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

Make the decision, do it and see what comes of it. You’ll be glad you did and you’ll DO what most just talk about.

I had arranged to have an introductory chat with someone from Twitter yesterday, a DigiDate I’m calling it.

Unfortunately, he didn’t show but I’m not surprised. I rarely hold out hope for these online things.

People are wrapped up in their grief, their opinions, we’re increasingly becoming a society of loners and I can’t judge, I am doing the same but I turned up to the meeting and when I saw that the ‘seen’ tick hadn’t filled in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen beyond the twenty minutes of tardiness. We can feel these things, I certainly can.

I also hate to admit that with the vast majority of posts I see, I think ‘that’s not real’ – she hasn’t actually baked that, he didn’t really do that. It’s curated and it’s filler.

It’s why I go for long walks, new walks along yet explored paths. I find it exciting, stimulating and real. Conversation doesn’t really do it for me anymore because, increasingly, you’re talking with mouthpieces rather than soberly-functioning human beings.

I have no patience for delusion these days, no time for snarky comments, no tolerance for justifications. I deeply desire reality, honesty without the veils, truth without the window dressing, frankly messiness without the pretence we’ve got our shit together.

Real, what a breath of fresh air that’d be.

We carry certain ideas in our heads. It’s part of the programming.

I love creating, I live for it and even I find myself having these bizarre thoughts that the creative process must be painful, it must be hard and tortuous. We must suffer for our art!

You can choose to tackle it that way but I don’t. When you’re in flow, ride with it, it can be that simple. Experiment.

The more I see of the world and the people in it, the more I am convinced that people love to fight.

Fight with reality.

Fight with themselves.

Fight with the flow of life.

We must fight for our country. No, we must stand up for it, defend it, nourish it and cultivate it. Yes, inevitably there will be hardships but that’s not the point, relish the opportunity to invest in yourself, in your craft and remember – to have fun with it!

We have routines, we have our favourite things to do, routes to walk, things to buy.

Yet, we also have the same nagging doubts, the things we say we ‘should’ be doing.

As I become less rigid and more free-flowing, I decide what I’m going to do and, even in a small way, do something to move it towards completion – getting the job done. It’s on those days that I tackle the harder things that my life feels more satisfying.

We say it’s a new day, as in a day we haven’t experienced yet but we carry ourselves with us wherever we go. We’re even born with instincts we can’t explain.

The day of the week doesn’t matter. What task you accomplish doesn’t matter as much as you think either. It’s the feeling and reality of work finished that is the best feeling – and you know how it feels in your body the psychological pressure released!

Do more of that.

I’ve wanted to get my artist website sorted for ages, I have to admit it.

So, the other day, I went into the back office and started to try fiddling around, making of it what I want and I just couldn’t get on with the ‘theme’ installed. It didn’t gel, and I told Grok.

Now, there is the second admission that, yes, I did indeed consult Grok on Twitter. Every now and then, I do use the sparky AI to ask various questions. This time, it came up quite fruitfully.

I had intended to YouTube which was the best theme for an artist’s/photographer’s website with a blog attached and miracle of miracles, it came up with Astra theme (a theme I have, in fact, used before).

And the point of this article is not to talk about the evils and the blessings of AI. Enough people are doing enough talking (and yelling!) on that subject.

Steps.

This is what I’m about – rediscovering things I’ve abandoned, advancing, not just in recent history but picking up hobbies that have lied dormant for years or even longer. I’ve started designing houses again, most stimulating, I’ve resumed my dancing, the things that bring me joy. That’s what it’s all about. 

What one things could you pick up this week that would improve your life? Do yourself a favour and indulge it, what would that feel like?

We’re living in a constant state of apology. Feeling guilty for things that are perfectly acceptable, shrinking back from expecting reasonable outcomes.

I do wonder what has happened to us.

Always seeking approval, always wanting permission, trying to do things according to other people’s guidelines.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, it’s your life.

What, that you’re feeling guilty over, have you actually done wrong? Really! Have you wanted to do things your way, have you NOT wanted to do something that you’ve said yes to anyway, would you rather spend a particular day alone, do a walk in solitude, have some peace and quiet?

No one’s perfect, obviously, but we can’t keep living life in this small way.

People like the version of you that has said yes to them, it’s quite simple, yet they totally ignore that you’re saying no to yourself. That doesn’t matter to them most of the time. That’s why you feel bad. Rather than interacting with them, you need them.

I’m in an experimental stage of my life, I am reawakening things I’ve done that’ve laid dormant, I am living life far more on my terms and I am having a great time. I have to remind myself frequently that it’s good for me to do so. It’s a big part of my own path to be a man to learn I can do my own thing. It feels good but it’s a practice.

Trust yourself more.

From the earliest of ages, we are placed in one of the most insidious prisons imaginable. The idea of the good object/bad object dichotomy.

We refuse to learn the extent to which our personalities are learnt behaviours to please those around us regardless of whether it’s damaging or not to us and whether it’s with malice or without, it fundamental sets us on a course for much of our lives – for most for all of it.

“You did well at School’s Sports Day, darling.” Irrespective of whether you enjoy it or not.

“That’s a fantastic grade you got in Drama, sweetheart.” Despite the fact the teacher is a nasty bitch.

“You embarrassed Mummy by talking about computer games, today, don’t do that again.”

You get the idea. People can’t see beyond the end of their own noses, even parents with their own children – in fact, especially in parent/child relationship. I don’t want to say you’re captive but you realise when you talk with so-called adults, they’re still performing as if they were in the teens or even younger.

It’s a hard thing to accept that those who love us the most could possibly put us in the such hideous positions but there it is.

You have to start asking yourself what it is you want and you have to accept there are aspects of your youth and upbringing that not only are you unhappy with but that you’re angry about.

The anger is a signal, the rage is a signal, the anxiety is a signal – reminding you that you might have a calling to something, that you are able to heal wounds, not eliminate them but accept them as something that happened which you don’t have to be enchained by anymore.

You’re not the ‘good boy’, you’re not the ‘bad boy’,  you are who you are, independent of the praise you received for deceiving or denying yourself and you are not necessarily the scorn or obliviousness you encountered for not being who others wanted you to be.

You are your own man. Imagine stepping into those shoes!

No matter how old you are, when you start to truly strike out on your own it’s going to feel very strange, frightening and uncertain.

Cultivating new routines, saying no to damaging patterns, being your own boss as it were will all feel very foreign and, much of the time, you won’t know what you’re doing.

I was watching a great YouTube video yesterday on the work of Carl Jung and one of the ideas which struck me was how we learn to perform for others to get praise such as ‘gifted’, ‘talented’, the ‘ooh aren’t you ‘clever’ compliments but leaving absolutely no space for the average, for not being instantly brilliant at certain things – certain things which you may end up really loving but won’t start because you won’t shine for those around you.

We are all trapped in cages of ego, we must make others look good and so we must abandon ourselves. I understand this. I am sure you do to or maybe you were the child who could never get things right.

It’s all painful to admit but liberating to accept.

We all start somewhere. There’s a great line in the 2000s’ version of Sabrina.

“You see embarrassed by loneliness, by being alone. It’s only a place to start.”

Embrace the weirdness of it all, go on your adventure. 

When I think back over all the different things I’ve done, there are still some which leave a bad taste in my mouth, that I judge myself for. Things I tell myself I should’t have done, things I would redo, things I would ‘try to do better’. Believe me, I am no more immune to nostalgia than anyone else.

It’s all a process and it’s about being honest. There are things you and I want, we want to feel, on a daily basis, that we’re working towards them but there are inevitable roadblocks. The voices in our heads sometimes win and they’re annoying.

I want to do this, I want to say that to such and such a person, it feels like a prison sometimes.

Am I being unreasonable?

Do I really need to concern myself with this?

Am I distracting from/procrastinating over things which just need to be done?

They’re all questions which come up and they’re all under the umbrella of utopianism, of perfectionism. How can I get this exactly RIGHT?

What’s right? I’m right, he’s right, they’re right, everyone’s rightfully Spartacus. Everyone’s trying to get it right and often they’re trying to shout over what’s right for you? It’s not even that people are selfish, mean, they’re just programmed, they can’t see out of their paradigm. This is the way I take things but I am far less soft about who I allow in and what I accepted. Not hard, bordered. There’s a difference. The former is closed off, the other is principled.

And maybe as cold/hard as this sounds, I treat things like an experiment now. How can I do any particular thing without sacrificing who I am and what I want to do.

Most of the nostalgia I indulge in is how I could have done things differently rather than being honest about being in scenarios and with people that were not right for me.

This new chapter of my life is peppered with intrigue, with playfulness and with decisiveness. Stick to your guns and aim for the targets that bring you joy, genuine joy and satisfaction – purpose too.

I felt so rebellious last night.

I recently saw someone remark they were reading two books at once (in fact actually, I think it might have been more than that!).

Even I as an open-minded mind thought, that’s silly.

But last night, climb into bed I did with not one but two tomes to read.

One a history book. The other a fiction book (though, I believe, based on real life events of the author).

I found it most compelling. 

And here’s what most miss – it’s not just the reading enjoyment of it all, it was following through on a random, spontaneous decision and simply experiencing what it felt like. 

The other unexpected result was I fell asleep far quicker than normal.

People will tell you all kinds of things which you can and cannot do. They’re full of advice about what’s good for you, what’s unacceptable, what’s verboten.

Don’t listen.

Do your own thing.

And see what comes of it!

What an adventure life truly can be!

I know, you were expecting bits and pieces but let me enlighten you. You feel the weight of all those things you’ve been planning but are yet to do.

Believe me I understand, I’m often in the same position too.

My life gets better when I get the things done and they don’t even have to be big things. A little DIY duty, tick it off the list. Something you need to watch or write, get it done. They all add the peacefulness of your life, get you levelheaded and the result? You get more done.

Don’t worry about what order you do them.

The resounding similarity of people I’ve observed as successful have just gone for it. They didn’t have a grand plan, they were just honest and expedient and got the job done.

Far more important is your state of mind and your willingness than any perfect route to where you want to go.

Do the bits, be more peaceful for accomplishing and completing stuff, here, there and everywhere. 

You’re allowed.

It’s all up to you now.

We all have our own ways of doing things. It’s inconvenient.

I’ve started going for walks first thing in the morning and now that Winter is approaching, it’s rather cold when I leave. We look for excuses, we berate reality but the truth is all I actually need to do is either layer up more or buy a new jacket. It’s rather simple but we’d rather moan. It’s conditioning.

And certain things don’t go as we’d expected. I was on the bus going into Sheffield the other day and there was an old, infirm lady clambering onto the bus, it was most awkward to watch but in anticipation of her alighting, I offered to carry her bag off but she refused saying ‘no, thank you but I’ve very independent’.

It was a pleasant surprise but you never quite know how things are going to go.

Some things are neat (indeed, I have a desire to make EVERYTHING neat), something things are a right old mess. Don’t see that as a downside, see it as an opportunity. Tick one thing off the list. There are jobs I’ve need to do for a while and I’m tackling each one as it comes.

It won’t look like you imagined but you’ll be the man you’re meant to be.

Give it a go. See what it feels like.

We’re terrified to say we don’t know. We’re petrified to experiment but I honestly do think that what holds us back the most is needing to know every single detail all at once.

The temptation of having everything at our fingertips is it makes us so complacent. No adventure, no curiosity, no patience.

Just try it. You’ll be amazed at what results come out of just giving things a proper go. 

The sense of accomplishment.

The independence which results.

The continual dissolution of excuses.

Just do it.

It’s your life.

I believe one of the fundamental dichotomies of life is finding how we can be useful to people without sacrificing our own senses of self, our souls.

There’s no doubt we need people, we are social beings but of course it has to be the right people, in the right context.

Truth be told, I am not much for company at the moment. I see my parents regularly now we three live in the same village again but it isn’t every day. I see people in the shops, say hello to fellow villagers and sporadically have a chat with them in the street.

But friendships, relationships, it is not the season for that for me right now. I want to create, I want to ponder, I want to stand on my balcony and admire the fabulous view – I want to do it silently (which presents its own challenges living in an apartment block.

There is always a price to pay. I aim to be as peaceful as possible but sometimes I falter, that’s just life.

Figure out your own balance and focus on that. I am understanding more and more how I’ve allowed myself to be taken for a ride and never consulted properly.

Always remember, it’s your life.

You need to change.

You’re not who you’re meant to be yet.

I am so far down my path than you are!

It’s all so relentless, isn’t it!

It all depends on your perspective. WHAT are you trying to change? What do you need to change? WHO are you? WHAT are you?

Well, if you take heed of the advice many give (but don’t practice).

You are not your thoughts.

You are not your ideas.

You are not what others think of you.

You are what you witness.

People talk about building identities but these are the masks you put up to the public.

How else can you change your behaviour unless you are able to have awareness of it? How can you change direction if you are asleep?

You don’t need to change, awareness is ever present and unchanging.

You need to develop your sight, your focus and your will.